


room without a door

by acchikocchi



Category: Tenimyu RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 19:55:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12092286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acchikocchi/pseuds/acchikocchi
Summary: You're not that kind of person any more. But you used to be.





	room without a door

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry all my makihira is the same. also, precisely when i finished writing this, ~yuu-chan started going emoji wild again on twitter. so just... take this as a fantasia on familiar themes, sigh.

Sometimes when you go back to read the kind of thing you wrote years ago – old blog posts, saved emails – you have a hard time understanding how you could possibly have said anything like that. That's why you avoid doing it, as much as you can. But when it's unavoidable, because of work or because you're drunk or because you really, really need to win an argument and the only way to do that is to pull some five year old receipts – the past really is a foreign country.

You still have friends like this, people like Dai-chan and Kacchi (sigh) who sprinkle every interaction with completely sincere hearts and hugs and just-this-side-of-homoerotic emotion: _Dont be sad :( Ill come tuck you in dude_ (Daisuke) and _yuuchan!! dont forget i love u! hugs!!!!_ (Face Throwing A Kiss ) (Kacchi).

You just can't do that anymore. You're not that person.

But you used to be.

2008/06/7 12:00 AM  
_HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAY_  
_I'm first right?? :D  
_ _Have a great day!!! And a great year! You deserve it :*_

2008/09/21 11:15 PM  
_Stop it you're making me cry ;_; See you tomorrow??  
♫ Doubles are eternal ♪_

2008/12/31 11:58 PM  
_I know you're going to laugh but I'm so happy I met you Tecchan._

2009/02/22 7:44 PM  
_Take care of yourself!! Or I'll come do it for you~ I believe in you Makki!_

2009/04/23 12:05 AM  
_Why thank you ^_^_  
_You're mine too <3_  
_See you tomorrow!!!_  
_...Today_  
_In a few hours!!_

2009/05/10 12:18 AM  
_See you tomorrow_  
_That's our watchword ok_  
_I'm so glad we were partners_  
_< 3_

__

2010/04/23 12:00 AM  
_Did you just text me from two feet away_  
_Loser_  
_< 3_

2010/08/07 10:59 PM  
_Tecchan~~ I had a lot of fun today. Sleep tight~~ :*_

2010/10/13 3:41 PM  
_Opening night's the 18th_  
_Why?? Are you coming???_  
_:D :D :D_

2010/11/19 1:04 AM  
_Im maybe a little drunk but_  
_youre the best_  
_I love youuu_  
_< 3 <3 <3_

2011/3/21 7:23 PM  
_Makki I'm so sorry_  
_I’ll be here when you get back to Tokyo_  
_Call me if you need anything? :(_

2011/06/07 12:00 AM  
_Knock knock ^_^_

2011/09/24 11:19 PM  
_I'm really glad you could come. I like seeing your weird face in the audience. <3_

2012/05/04 1:58 AM  
_Imp question_  
_Whos cutre_  
_Me or tomo_  
_?????????_  
_Excuse??? You?????????_  
_Ypir cancelled!!!!_  
_NOT TOMOSENPAI_  
_Tomoki!!!_  
_Hirose_  
_Idc whos cuter_  
_Thats more like it ^_^_  
_Ty makki ^_^_  
_Come with us next time~~~_

2012/08/09 9:14 PM  
_Ugh_  
_Im tiredddd_  
_Come feed me_

2012/08/15 4:54 AM  
_makkimakkimakkimakkimakkimakkimakki  
come to nagasaki_

2012/10/31 2:21 AM  
_No I'm fine_  
_It’s just stress_  
_sorry for worrying you_  
_tell me about your castmates ^^_

2013/04/23 12:31 AM  
_haha thank you~_  
_no worries <3_  
_I plan on making you treat me for like a week when you get back tho_  
_prepare yourself_

2013/12/29 1:16 AM  
_I miss youu_  
2013/12/29 9:38 AM  
_Jfc i have regrets_

2014/05/17 12:15 PM  
_how nice to hear from you it's only been like a million years. fortunately i'm very forgiving. how's monday at 8?_

2014/06/07 12:01 AM  
_welcome to the first day of the rest of your life_  
_i hear it's all downhill from here_  
_i'm ageless so i wouldn't know_  
_make the most of the decade before you fall apart too much to enjoy it!_  
_aw. of course i will._

2016/09/14 5:42 PM  
_our last show is the 23rd you better be there_

2016/09/23 11:58 PM  
_thanks for coming makki :)_

2017/04/23 12:02 AM  
_i don't know anyone having a birthday today_  
_but if i did_  
_they'd probably say thank you_

You don't even know why you save these, honestly. You hate remembering how it used to be and you hate the evidence of how goddamn _obvious_ you were. But you can't get rid of them.

You still talk like that with the people who can take it as the joke it is, people like Sou and Tomoki. But not with the people that you really care about. Why is that? What would it cost to show a little emotion sometimes, without the guarantee of return?

Almost nothing. Which is why it's so easy to start. And then the trickle, the slow drip of _Take care of yourself!_ and _I'm rooting for you_ and _I'm here, do you want to talk about it?_ becomes a river and then a gushing flood, pouring out of you straight into someone else.

And then the river changes course. Slow, glacial, but you notice. Of course you notice. You helped with the digging.

And then it's just you and your giant artery of reactions, thoughts, _feelings_ with nowhere to go.

So. It costs a lot, actually. And you're done paying.

* * *

“Yo. _Yo_.”

Yuichiro blinks. “What?”

“I said your name like five times.” Kousuke raises an eyebrow. “How’s outer space this time of year?”

“My people need me,” Yuichiro says. “More than I can say for yours.”

Kousuke pouts. “Don’t you know it really hurts a girl when she can’t keep a man’s attention?”

“I guess you need to up your game.”

“I can up something.”

“Why, Kou-chan,” Yuichiro purrs. “So forward.”

Kousuke giggles, falsetto. “Well, Yuu-chan, you drive me wild.”

They both snicker.

Yuichiro can guess exactly what things would have been like if he'd met Kousuke a few years earlier. They would have been immediate and too-close, the sort of friends who send each other fifty texts in an hour, _Kou-chan_ and _Yuu-chan_ without the veil of irony. They’re almost the same kind of fucked up but different enough that they could talk about it they wanted to. And either it would melt into the kind of solid companionship that doesn’t need constant fuel, or it would be almost too awkward to talk to Kousuke now, thinking of all the things he’d admitted in the dark of night.

As it is, they go day drinking and mock their own choices and pretend to flirt in a way that no one would every mistake for serious. It’s good, in its own way.

“Seriously,” Kousuke says, “you good? You’ve been super out of it all night.”

“Good enough,” Yuichiro says, and adds a slow wink. “Lately.”

His phone buzzes. Kousuke says, “That sounds like a story.”

Yuichiro makes a show of examining his nails. “I don’t know about a story...”

“Come on, you want to tell me.”

“Not as much as you want to hear.”

It buzzes again.

Kousuke raises his eyebrows.

For exactly the same reason that Kousuke is completely transparent to Yuichiro, Yuichiro is not as opaque as he wishes he were to Kousuke. He heaves an exaggerated sigh. “Just a minute. You know how it is.”

He goes to the back of the room and wedges himself in between the door and the fire extinguisher because he’d rather not have Yonehara Kousuke watching his face while he deals with this. It's not one of his—gentlemen friends, obviously. It's Tetsuya. Like Yuichiro knew it would be.

_Hey Yuu_

He likes to write that in English because he's a huge nerd who still thinks it's funny. After ten years.

 _I dunno how busy you are rn but_  
_Talk soon?_  
_Let me know when you’re free dude_

Yuichiro considers. Maybe it’s the old messages that wouldn’t leave him alone long after he closed them, or the lack of sleep, a familiar damp sweat on waking from dreams he’s glad he can’t remember. Maybe it’s because Kousuke is a bad example. Maybe he’s just a masochist.

Tetsuya picks up on the second ring. “Yuu,” he says, sounding pleasantly surprised. He didn't expect Yuichiro to call.

“You wanted to talk?”

“’Wow, hi, how you doing, Makita-san?’” Tetsuya says in a high voice that does not _at all_ sound like Yuichiro, thank you very much. “’We’re both so busy and famous that these are the only five minutes in my entire life I could spare, but I saved them for you.’” His voice drops. “Thanks, Yuu, I’ve missed you too, can’t wait to catch up.”

“Shut _up_ ,” Yuichiro says, furious at himself to hear the delight in his voice, to feel his face lit up and smiling. “I try to reach out and this is the thanks I get.”

“Oh no, you don’t get credit for this one. I texted you. This is all me.”

“Ugh,” Yuichiro says, and Tetsuya laughs, because he knows the admission of defeat for what it is. “So?” he prompts. “What’s up? I know it’s something.”

“Yeah,” says Tetsuya. “I have kinda big news.”

This is it, this is it, this is it. Yuichiro's breath whistles. He swears his vision whites out. When it comes back, he's gripping his phone so hard his palms hurt. His knuckles are white.

“Yeah?” he says.

“I'm quitting Watanabe.”

There's no sound except the slow drip of a faucet behind the bar.

Yuichiro gives in and sags against the door. “Jesus, Tecchan,” he says, falling back on that long unused nickname out of sheer relief. “I thought it was something _big_.”

“Oh, thanks,” Tetsuya says, dry. “Just the riskiest move of my career. Nothing big.”

“Shut up. You know what I mean.”

“I have literally no idea what you mean.”

“Tuxedos, white dresses, cake, flowers, ring any bells? Figuratively speaking.”

There's an excruciating pause.

Tetsuya, when he speaks, sounds baffled. “Yuu. Why do you think I'm getting married?”

 _Because I've had nightmares about it for the last five years._ “Well,” Yuichiro says, “you're getting old.”

“I'm not even dating anyone.”

“How should I know?”

It's sharper than he wanted. Tetsuya says, “Yuu.”

“I'm just saying,” Yuichiro says. “Secret wedding? I see it.”

“So secret I don’t even know it’s happening.” Tetsuya’s starting to sound amused now. “And what would you say, Hirata-san, to my _secret wedding?_ ”

 _Don't. Stay._ Yuichiro says, “That if you asked anyone else to be your best man I'd kill both of you.”

Tetsuya gives a startled snort. “What?”

“Bodies in the harbor. I mean it.”

“Thanks, I… think...” Tetsuya sounds like he's trying not to laugh. It's stupid, but it makes him feel so much better. The silliness of joking about it, like Tetsuya thinks it's so utterly ridiculous as to be impossible.

“Congratulations, I guess,” he says. “On the big move. Thanks for telling me.”

“No one else I want to hear first,” Tetsuya says, so matter-of-fact it kills him. “Answer your texts, will you?”

“I called you,” Yuichiro says, “I don't know what you're complaining about.”

“I've been blessed,” Tetsuya murmurs, which makes a laugh slip from Yuichiro against his will. “And stop fishing for compliments. You know when it happens I'll choose you.”

And it's back, with the weight of a freight train. The certainty behind Tetsuya's when, not if. He keeps his voice light. “Good. I don't really want Dai-chan to die.”

That makes Tetsuya laugh for real. “I've gotta go,” he says. “Papers to sign. Catch up later?”

“Sure,” Yuichiro says. “Later.” He hangs up first.

When he gets back to the table, Kousuke is watching him with an expression that says more things than Yuichiro wants it to. “Don't,” he snaps. “Not a word.”

Kousuke raises his hands. “Not me.”

“I'm getting another drink. You in?”

“Hit me,” Kousuke says.

That night, he thinks about calling Tetsuya back. He didn’t even ask what Tetsuya means to do after quitting Watanabe, too wrapped up in single-minded relief to think of the normal questions he’d have for a friend—why, where, how, are you okay, what next. He’s as much to blame as anyone. Now he can’t help thinking there was a time Tetsuya would have talked that over with him, too, sounding out the next step, sifting through what went wrong, sketching out fledgling plans for the future.

It’s not that they never talk any more. It’s not that Tetsuya doesn’t care about him—love him, in his own way. It’s not that they don’t share the same silly in-jokes, the same depthless and unconditional support they always did. It’s that once he was the most important person in Tetsuya’s life, and he won’t ever be again.

That’s what makes him hit _Call_.

“Twice in one day,” Tetsuya says, on the knife’s edge between surprise and concern. “What is this, a national holiday?”

This used to be normal, for them. “You said catch up,” Yuichiro says. “So let’s catch up. Dinner. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Real surprise, now, quickly transmuted. “What happened to _Makki, I’m so busy, you have to give me more time?_ ”

Yuichiro rolls his eyes, a performance Tetsuya can’t even see. “I spent all afternoon with Kou-chan, cut me some slack.”

If Tetsuya doesn’t know which Kou-chan that is, he doesn’t give any sign; just an appreciative laugh. “What time?”

“Whenever.”

“Watch out,” Tetsuya says, teasing, “someone might think you actually miss me.” Pages rustle. Only Makita Tetsuya would still keep a physical appointment book. “Huh. Actually—that might work.”

“Of course it will,” Yuichiro says, deliberately flip. “It was my idea.”

“Is eight too late?”

“Eight’s fine.”

“Or—sorry, maybe 8:30 would be safer?”

“If you can’t do it—“

“Backing out on me now, Hiracchi?”

“No such luck, Tecchan.”

“Good,” Tetsuya says, firmly. “I swear pinning you down is like wrestling an eel.”

The innuendo is on the tip of Yuichiro’s tongue. He bites it back. “Just so you know,” he says, “I want to hear the whole story. About what you’re doing. Get ready to explain yourself.”

“Yeah,” Tetsuya says, voice warm. “Honestly, it won’t feel real until I’ve told you everything anyway.”

He can’t touch that. “So we’re on?”

“We’re on.”

Yuichiro says, “See you tomorrow, Makki.”

Such plain words, spoken every day by thousands people thousands of times. He can’t hear if Tetsuya remembers or not—just the low rumble of a laugh. “Tomorrow,” Tetsuya agrees. “Night, Yuu.”

“Yeah. Night.”

After Tetsuya hangs up, Yuichiro holds his thumb down and scrolls back, and back, and back, past years of banter, confidences, plans flying by too fast to read, all the way to the very top.

_Delete conversation?_

His thumb hovers over _OK_ , before he shuts the conversation and closes his phone.

* * *

2007/09/05 8:03 PM  
_Hi hi it’s Hirata, I hope this is Makita!_  
_Same here! Looking forward to it~_  
_We’re going to be a great partnership_  
_I can tell. <3_


End file.
